The REAL Twilight Script
by RandomUser674
Summary: Okay, so this is the “real” Twilight script of the movie. Trust us, it’s really funny. This is pretty much what happened in the movie. Sorry, the spacing is all screwy, but you’ll just have to deal with it.
1. Script

**Okay, so this is the "real" Twilight script of the movie. Trust us, it's really funny. This is pretty much what happened in the movie. Sorry, the spacing is all screwy, but you'll just have to deal with it.**

**Twilight! **(sorta…)

DEER, DEER, DEER, DEER, DEER.

Bella: Hi! I'm Bella! I live in Phoenix, but I'm moving to Forks, Washington, to live with my father even though I hate the freaking place.

Charlie: (Awkward silence)

Bella: …

Charlie: So... Your hair was shorter last time I saw you…

Bella: That was five years ago, Dad.

Charlie: Oh.

_They drive to Charlie's house, where an ancient ORANGE pick-up truck is waiting in the driveway, along with two Native American guys, Billy and his son Jacob._

Charlie: I got you this truck, just bought it off Billy, here.

Bella: OMG!! I love it!!!

Jacob: Here I'll help you figure out how to drive it, even though you'd think you'd know how to drive already.

Bella: Do I know you?

Jacob: Yeah, we knew each other when we were little kids.

Bella: Damn, I couldn't recognize you. Your hair wasn't so terrible back then, was it?

Jacob: What's wrong with my hair?! I'm a freaking Native American; my hair's _supposed _to be like this.

Bella: Wait, is that a wig? My God it is, no guy has hair that long, I thought you were a girl!

Jacob: _Will you shut up about my hair already?!?!_

_**The next morning, Bella goes to her first day at Forks High School**_

Guy: _(sarcastically)_ Nice truck.

Bella: Jerk.

Eric: Hi! I'm Eric Yorkie! I'm overly enthusiastic!!

Jessica: 'Sup, I'm Jessica; you wanna sit with us at lunch?

Bella: Uh, sure, I guess.

_**Later, at lunch**_

Bella: Wait, why's that weird music playing?

Jessica: Duh, the Cullens are coming into the cafeteria!

Bella: Why are they all walking so slowly?

Jessica: (_rolls eyes_) Obviously so you can see them better, and to make a dramatic entrance!

Bella: Okay, so who are they?

Jessica: They're all of Dr. Carlisle Cullen's adopted kids. Okay, so the blond one's Rosalie, that huge one's Emmett, that little one's Alice, and the guy who looks like he's in pain, that's Jasper.

Bella: Does he always look so freaked out?

Jessica: Yeah, he only has that one expression.

Jasper: O.O

Bella: Wait, who's that other guy whose family left him behind?

Jessica: Oh, that's Edward. But don't be trying to date him or anything! He hates everyone!!

Bella: Um, okay, whatever.

_**The next period, in biology…**_

Mr. Something With an M: Hi, Bella, there's only one empty seat, and it just happens to be next to Edward.

Bella: Why's he looking at me with that expression of outright disgust? And your name's Mr. Banner, not whatever-it-is with an M.

_She goes and sits down._

Edward: glare

Bella: _What, do I smell or something? (sniffs hair)_

Edward: GLARE

Edward: * GLARE!! *

Edward: * GLARE!! *

Edward: * GLARE!! *

_The bell rings and Edward grabs his stuff and runs away like an impolite jerk._

_**The next day at school…**_

Bella: Hmm…Edward's not here today, I should totally be happy about that since he's such a creep, but I'm not.

_**The next day…**_

Bella: Hmm…Edward's not here today, I should totally be happy about that since he's such a creep, but I'm not.

_**And the next day…**_

_**And the next day…**_

_**And a couple more days…**_

_**Finally, in Bio…**_

Bella: _Whoa! Edward's here!_

Edward: (extremely awkwardly) Hello?

Bella: Uh, hi.

Edward: So, uh, it's raining today…

Bella: Are you seriously talking about the weather?

Edward: Uh, yeah…

_They continue to have an extremely forced-sounding, awkward conversation. When the bell rings they walk over to Bella's locker._

Bella: Hey, did you get contacts?

Edward: No!

Bella: Your eyes were black last week, and now they're this creepy gold-ish color that makes you look possessed.

Edward: Yeah, uh, the florescent-

_He stops in the middle of the sentence and walks away without saying anything. _

_**Later that afternoon. As Bella's getting into her ORANGE truck to go home, and Edward's glaring at her from his car like a freaky stalker, in other words exactly how he usually acts,**__**Tyler's van starts speeding wildly out of control despite the absence of snow, heading directly for Bella!**_

Edward: *GLARE*

Bella: Freak…

Tyler: HOLY CRAP!!!!!!

Bella: Oh, sh*t!

Edward: Nooooooooooo! _(randomly appearing, he puts Bella in a headlock and thrusts his hand into the air, pushing away Tyler's speeding truck and leaving a huge dent in it with some sort of superhuman strength) _

Bella: WTF?!?!

_Edward randomly stares at Bella for a minute, then jumps over her car and runs away._

Rosalie: ...

Emmett: ...

Alice: ...

Jasper: O.O

_Bella is forcibly taken to the hospital, completely against her will._

Charlie: OMG! Are you okay Bella?

Bella: Yeah, I'm fi-

Tyler: I'm so sorry!

Charlie: Shut up! No one asked you!

Dr. Cullen: Wow, I'm totally just standing here pretending to be a competent doctor.

Bella: You're really not doing anything.

Carlisle: Yeah, I better go.

_A few minutes later, Bella walks down the hallway, where Edward, Carlisle and Rosalie are arguing._

Bella: Yo, Edward, can I talk to you?

Edward: Meh. Fine.

Bella: How'd you save me, you like pushed the car away and-

Edward: It was an adrenaline rush, totally common, you can Google it.

Bella: Wait, but-

Edward: Well, no one's gonna believe _you_!! (_Walks away)_

_**On some random Bio field trip...**_

Bella: Hi, Mike.

Mike: WILL YOU GO TO THE PROM WITH ME?  
Bella: Darn, I wish I had some pepper spray. No.

Mike: PLEASE???

Bella: Ask Jessica.

Mike: Fine.

Bella: I'm in the plant room with Edward. He's talking to me, maybe I should listen.

Edward: I'm talking to you.

Jessica: I'm barging in! Mike asked me to the prom!

Edward: *GLARE*

Mr. Something with an M: This is compost tea. I'm gonna put it in a beer mug and give it to Tyler and expect him to not drink it.

Edward: *GLARE*

Bella: You regret saving me.

Edward: *GLARE*

Alice: Bella, come sit with us.

Edward: _(jerkishly)_ This bus is full!

_**Later at lunch, as Bella's getting food from a random salad bar that happens to be in the cafeteria.**_

Bella: Shoot, I dropped my apple.

Edward: Here, I'll just kick it in the air and give it back to you, 'cause you totally want this bruised, dirty apple that was on my shoe.

Bella: Jerk, who's gonna want to eat that apple now? Anyway, you wanna go to the beach with me and Mike and Angela?

Edward: Uh, yeah... what beach?

Bella: First Beach at La Push.

Edward: No.

Bella: Why not?

Edward: It's, uh, too, uh, crowded... (pause) By the way, have you noticed anything different about me?

Bella: Yeah, I think you have superpowers. Maybe ....you've been bitten ...by a radioactive ...spider or ...used Kryptonite...

Edward: I'm evil.

Bella: No, you're not.

Edward: I totally am. If you're smart, you'd stay away from me.

Bella: Are you calling me an idiot?!  
Edward: Yes, I am.

_**At the beach**_**.**

Bella: I'm at this beach with my peeps.

Angela: I want to go to the prom with Eric!!

Bella: Ask him.

Angela: No way!

Bella: You're a strong, independent woman and-

Angela: I hate that lameness. Hey look, Native American girls!

Bella: They're boys.

Angela: ...

Jacob: Sup, Bella?

Bella: Hi. I love Edward Cullen.

Sam: The Cullens don't come here. (evil leer)

Bella: Jacob, come walk with me while I interrogate you.

Jacob: Sure!

Bella: So, what's your story? Sam said the Cullens don't come here.

Jacob: You heard that?

Bella: Uh, yeah, he was talking to me!

Jacob: Fine, whatever. So our people are descended from wolves, and they are from the evil cold white peoples. They fought, and then we made a treaty.

Bella: I'm going to go home and search this on Google.

Jacob: I'm going to flirt with you later, whether you like it or not.

_**Later, Googling at home**_

Bella: Whoa, good thing I found a copy of this book on old Quileute legends in some bookstore near here. I'm gonna totally go to Port Angeles with Angela and Jessica on the pretense of helping them find prom dresses, but really just to buy this book that I'm not even gonna read and just end up Googling everything.

_**At Port Angeles**_

Angela and Jessica: Oh, look, pretty dresses!

Bella: Wow, I really don't care, I'm gonna leave you here and go buy my book.

_She goes to the bookstore, buys the book, and decides to walk back through a dark alley, at night, with creepy thugs on the other side._

Thugs: We're totally gonna assault you.

Bella: Okay, I wish someone would come save me.

Edward: Look at my reckless driving as I come to your rescue. Get into my car while I get out to glare unmenacingly at the bad guys.

Bella: Uh, yeah.

Edward: I'M ANGRY.

Bella: Deal.

Edward: And I'm taking you to a restaurant, so we can have a conversation vital to the plot of this movie.

Bella: Put your seatbelt on!

Edward: YOU put YOUR seatbelt on! HAHAHAHAHA! _(disturbing laughter) _

Bella: (at some restaurant) So, are you following me around now? How much more of a stalker can you get?

Edward: (really creepily) I feel very protective of you...By the way, I totally read minds. Except yours. Oh, and I like to sneak into your room at night to watch you sleep. Okay, we can go now, that's all we really needed to say.

Bella: Now I totally wanna read that book when I get home.

Edward: Oh, and by the way: * GLARE!! *

Bella: Hey that's my dad.

Edward: Hey, that's MY dad.

Bella: HOLY CRAP, A DEAD CORPSE!

Charlie: Here's some pepper spray.

_She goes home and reads the book._

Bella: O. M. G.

_**The next morning at school...**_

Bella: I'm gonna walk past you and you'll somehow know that means we should both go ditch class and wander into the woods.

Edward: Okay. Wait, isn't this scene supposed to be in a pretty meadow, not this creepy forest?

Bella: Shut up.

Edward: Okay, so, we're here.

Bella: (way melodramatic) Your skin is pale white. And ice cold.

Edward: Uh, yeah, I think I noticed.

Bella: You're incredibly fast. And strong.

Edward: Do you really need to keep pausing so much?

Bella: I'm gonna keep listing things about you that you already know.

Edward: Fine.

Bella: How old are you?

Edward: Seventeen.

Bella: So, like, how long've you been seventeen?

Edward: (extremely angrily and dramatically in a low, deep whisper) A while.

Bella: I know what you are.

Edward: Say it! OUT LOUD!

Bella: Dun Dun DUN! A VAMPIRE!!

Edward: *** GLARE!!! ***

Edward: (Awkward pause) Are you afraid?

Bella: _(pauses for fifteen seconds)_ No.

Edward: I have to show you my sizzling skin.

Bella: Sure...?

_Bella is grabbed and Edward flies through the trees with her. He finds a conveniently located patch of light. He steps under it and his skin hisses and looks staticky._

Bella: Shiny... But ew, what's that gross sound? Is you're skin, like, sizzling?

Edward: I'm an insane monster! I will go around freaking you out!

Bella: ...

Edward: HAHAHAHA!! I'M EVIL!!!!

Bella: Um...

Edward: Come climb this tree with me! Even though we weigh over three hundred pounds together, these puny branches will totally hold us.

Bella: Okay.

Edward: I want to kill you.

Bella: Where'd I put that pepper spray...? Oh yeah, it's in my backpack that I randomly threw on the ground and left in the woods somewhere.

Edward: Let's go to this dead meadow thing and lie down.

Bella: Sure, whatever.

_Meanwhile, some random place across town..._

Guy: La di da, I'm sitting here alone at a dock, oh what fun.

Victoria: STARE

Guy: Uh, can I help you?

James: Look at my awesome vampire powers, I totally just jumped into your little boat.

Guy: Dude, where's you shirt? Topless freak...

James: You know, I really like your leather jacket.

Guy: Wow, thank-

James: Die.

Guy: * dead *

_**The next day at Bella's house**_

Bella: Hey! Get off my freaking car!!!

Edward: But I'm totally awesome.

Bella: Freak...

Edward: So, you wanna come to my house and meet my creepy family, half of which hate you?

Bella: Uh, no, not really...

Edward: Great, let's go.

_Driving, they pass Billy driving in the opposite direction._

Edward: Weird Glare o.o

Billy: REALLY weird glare! O.O

Audience: What the heck just happened?! (_Billy's in a wheelchair, how is he driving...?)_

Bella: (at the house) Isn't your house supposed to have an exclusively white decor that looks really classic but is actually quite contemporary?

Edward: Shut up.

Emmett: Look at me, I'm cooking!

Rosalie: Is Bella even Italian?

Emmett: She's named Bella, of course she's Italian.

Esme: Hi, Bella! We're using out kitchen for the first time ever!

Bella: I already ate.

Rosalie: I'm gonna break this salad bowl I'm holding and be very angry.

Esme: I'm gonna be all sarcastic to Bella.

Alice: I'm gonna sniff Bella's hair!

Jasper: O.O

Edward: Uh...let's go see my room.

Bella: Weirdoes.

Edward: My room has no black couch.

Bella: GASP!

Edward: Check out my music.

Bella: Wow, there's a lot.

Edward: I'm gonna jump out the window now. Wanna join me?

Bella: Whatever, fine.

Edward: Hey, There's gonna be a huge thunderstorm tonight, you wanna come play baseball with my family?

Bella: Uh, I guess. Let me go tell Charlie.

Bella: (At her house) See you later, Charlie, we're gonna go play baseball. And are you wearing eyeliner?

Charlie: Yes. So you're gonna play baseball with Edward?

Bella: Yep, bye.

Charlie: Wait, Bella?

Bella: Yeah?

Charlie: Bring that pepper spray I gave you.

_**That evening at a baseball field in the woods...**_

Bella: Wow, how come you all have retarded baseball uniforms on?

Edward: We're cool like that.

Bella: Dude, your dad's wearing a woman's scarf.

Carlisle: Shut up.

Alice: I'm gonna pitch the whole game and not give anyone else a turn.

_She pitches, and Rosalie hits the ball_

Edward: Hmm....ball.............wait, shouldn't I be catching that? Oh yeah, I better go get it...

Bella: Out!

Rosalie: MURDEROUS GLARE!!!!

_James, Victoria and Laurent stride dramatically out of the fog._

Laurent: Can we play?

Bella: Thank GOD you're not wearing that horrid ruffle thing! But, Victoria, what's with your dirty white furry thing?

Victoria: GLARE

Laurent: Never mind that! Can we play baseball with you guys or not?

Carlisle: Uh, no, we're done.

Alice: But I pitched the whole time! We only played half an inning!

Carlisle: If I say we're done, we're done!!

_The wind blows inconveniently_ _towards James._

James: _(sniffing the air creepily)_ You brought a snack... Grrr.

Edward: GRRR!!!!!

James: Wow, now I'm gonna totally kill you're girlfriend.

Laurent: Um, what? I mean, grrr.

Alice: Grr.

Victoria: Grr.

The Rest: Grr.

Jasper: O.O

Carlisle: Can you guys leave for a little bit so we can come up with a plan to escape you?

Laurent: Yeah, sure.

_Edward takes Bella and goes speeding off in his car. Bella makes him go back to her house to get some clothes and tell Charlie she's leaving. She somehow manages to be as hurtful to Charlie as possible while blaming Edward for the whole thing. They regroup back in the Cullen's garage._

Carlisle: Okay, now what?

Emmett: Duh, we gotta kill 'em.

Jasper: I've had some experience killing other vampires. It's hard to do, but not impossible.

_Everyone stops dead._

Everyone: You can talk?!

Jasper: O.O

Carlisle: I feel bad about killing living creatures.

Edward: You know what? Deal with it. Alice and Jasper, you go bring Bella to some hotel in Arizona where they totally won't find her, we'll all go and kill 'em.

_They do._

Alice: I see a ballet studio with my psychic powers.

Bella: Yeah, I took ballet there like ten years ago.

Alice and Jasper: Shocked stares. O.O

Bella's Phone: ringringring

Bella: 'Sup?

Bella's mom: Bella? Bella?!

Bella: Ma?

James: Come to that ballet studio, or I'll kill your mom.

Bella: Okay.

_A bit later while they're all randomly standing in an airport, Bella sneaks away to the ballet studio, which Alice and Jasper, despite their superhuman senses, don't notice._

Bella's mom: Bella? Bella?!

Bella: Mom?! Oh, it's a videotape in this VCR. I've been tricked.

James: Hi, I'm gonna kill you just to mess with Edward, and I'm gonna film it all on this little camcorder I'm holding. _(shoves the camera in her face)_

Bella: That's really retarded. Isn't it supposed to be on a tripod or something?

James It's supposedly more menacing this way.

Bella: It's not.

James: I know.

Bella: Ha! I have pepper spray!! _(sprays him)_

James: Okay, that did nothing.

_He steps on her leg, breaking it._

Bella: Ow!

James: Tell him to avenge you. TELL HIM!

Edward: Noooooooooooo!!!

Bella: O.M.G. It's Edward.

James: Die!

Edward: No.

James: Come on!

Edward: No, I have to drop Bella through a mirror.

Bella: Holy crap! Ow! I was fairly okay until you chucked my through that mirror! You hurt me worse than James did!!

_The Cullens randomly leap from the ceiling. Alice breaks James' neck, but not before James bit Bella's wrist._

Bella: Eww!! My wrist is all bubbly and brown! It hurts!

Edward: I dunno what to do now.

Carlisle: Suck the venom. It's the only way. I'll just sit here and play with Alice's belt.

Edward: You know what? You're a really unhelpful doctor.

Carlisle: You know what? Deal with it.

_Alice, Jasper, and Emmett dance around James' burning carcass in the background._

Carlisle: Find your will, Edward.

Edward: O.O

Jasper: Hey, you stole my look, man!

Bella: * dead *

_Bella tried to convince you that she's dead while having some kinda weird flashback of random scenes, including snow that never happened and a deer she never saw. She's not dead. Duh._

Bella: _Hmm, I'm in a hospital. Why am I wearing so much makeup?_

Bella's mom: Oh honey! I was so worried about you! Wow, you're wearing a lot of makeup for someone who was unconscious for a week.

Bella: What happened? Where's Edward?!

Bella's mom: You fell down two flights of stairs through a _window_! _(Creepy, gleeful smile)_ Oh, and Edward's over there pretending to be asleep, but every time the scene changes, he's leaning in a different direction, something I'm totally oblivious to.

Bella: Go get Charlie.

Bella's mom: Okay.

Edward: James is dead, but Victoria escaped, and I'm totally ignoring Laurent.

Bella: Yeah, whatever.

Edward: I almost killed you.

Bella: Yeah, but you didn't.

Edward: But I almost did.

Bella: Yeah, but you DIDN'T.

Edward: But I almost did.

Bella: Get over yourself.

Charlie: (Never shows up)

_Some unspecified amount of time later, Bella is getting ready to go to the prom while Edward is sitting awkwardly with Charlie, waiting for her_

Charlie: _(Drinks beer)_

Edward: _(stares at glass of water)_

Charlie and Edward: awkwardness

Charlie: ...

Edward: _(Picks up water)_

Charlie: ...

Edward: _(puts water down)_

Charlie: ...

Edward: _(Moves glass of water slightly)_

Charlie: ...

Edward: _(moves water back the other way)_

Charlie: ...

Edward: _(looks at Charlie)_

Charlie: ...

Edward: _(looks somewhere else)_

Bella: I'm ready.

Edward: Oh, thank God!

_They go to the prom, wander around..._

Bella: Hi Jacob! What are you doing here?

Jacob: My dad bribed me to come and tell you something, to freak you out and provide foreshadowing.

Bella: Okay. What?

Jacob: Quote, 'We'll be watching you'.

Bella: He's such an old creep.

Jacob: Yeah.

Edward: _(murderous glare at Jacob)_ I leave you alone for a minute and the wolves descend.

Bella: Whoa, more foreshadowing.

Jacob: Bye.

Bella: Wait!

Jacob: What?

Bella: Next time you see me, wear a hat.

Jacob: *GLARE*

_...make obscene hand gestures to people..._

Mike: _(weird gun-hands) _

Jessica: _(Thumbs up)_

Bella: _(moving hands around chest area, indicating that Jessica's top is too low)_

Jessica: _(Thumbs up) _

Edward: Um...let's go somewhere else...

_...and find some gazebo-y outdoor dance floor with a weirdly romantic atmosphere._

Other dancers: Wow, we all decided to leave at exactly the same time.

Bella: You should have let me turn into a vampire.

Edward: No.

Bella: You should totally bite my right now.

Edward: No.

Bella: Yes.

Edward: Okay.

Bella: Awesome!

Edward: I lied.

Bella: I hate you.

Victoria: _(Looking out a window at them with an evil smile)_ I am _so_ totally crashing this prom.

THE END


	2. Our Review of the Movie

When we went to see this movie, we were all filled with excitement, anticipation, and, we were also nervous that this movie would suck. When we finished watching the movie, we couldn't stop discussing it for hours, for a number of reasons.

Reason 1: The acting was horrible. Bella was completely unconvincing in her role, Edward looked like a creep for a majority of the film, and Jasper had quite feminine expressions and qualities. Rosalie's angry expressions were poorly done, and Esme sounded like she was sarcastic.

Reason 2: Dialogue. This is probably the WORST dialogue ever written in the history of mankind. They kept the book's storyline, but changed the dialogue to this cheesy, weird, random, non-sense-making-ness. Bella was forcing her words out, and the scene in the forest where she was describing him was totally random and unnecessary. Edward had the lamest excuses you would ever hear. For example, when Bella asked him about his eyes, he replied, "Oh, it's the fluorescent…" and he left. Without another word. Also, when Bella was leaving the hospital after being in the car crash, she was interrogating him about he fast reflexes, and he replied, "Well, no one will believe _YOU_." And he walked away. Edward tended to walk away a lot. He kept blurting out that he could read minds, and the scene in the restaurant was completely disturbing and random.

Reason 3: Appearance. First, let's discuss Edward. Edward was probably wearing more makeup than Bella. He had ruby red lipstick on, and it didn't even look real. Charlie appeared to be wearing eyeliner. Bella was wearing makeup in the hospital after she had just been bitten. The bite mark on her arm was black and bubbling. Jasper, while amusing, looked like he was a girl that got electrocuted. Alice's appearance was very good, except her height, but that was all right. Rosalie had a drawn on mole on her face. Jacob's hair was horrible looking. They had to put a hat over it. Edward only had one single jacket for the entire movie.

Reason 4: Facial expressions. These were actually quite good, and we would go so far as to say they might even be the best part of the movie. Every time Jasper walked into the room, the theater would burst out in laughter. He had a pained expression on his face, which was very amusing, actually, even though it wasn't really like that in the book. Billy Black's face, and also Edward's, when they passed each other in the cars, were the best part of the movie. Edward's glares, while they were supposed to be intimidating and frightening, we funny and amusing. Billy Black's face was awesome. You had to be there.

There were, however, several things that really either creeped us out, or bothered us. Edward was too creepy. One line that was supposed to sound sweet, sounded stalker-ish. In fact, he sounded VERY stalker-ish for a majority of the movie. Also, in the ballet scene, he dropped her from the ceiling when he was supposedly saving her! And she fell into a mirror and practically killed her leg! Some parts were inappropriate for younger children in the theater, like the restaurant scene and some of Bella's conversations with her mother. Also, there was absolutely no snow, except digital in the flashback.

Overall, however, we enjoyed the movie despite its faults. But we think that they need to do better on the next one.


	3. Help us!

**Okay, so we need your help. We've got some not-really-thought-all-the-way-through ideas to choose from and we'd like your opinions. Here are some ideas we had.**

**-Voldemort as a hobo**

**-Harry Potter on Doctor Phil**

**-Who would win in a fight? (Twilight vs. Harry Potter)**

**Or, we could use some ideas that you peoples come up with. Review this chapter or PM me and tell me what you think. Hurry!**


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